about life

Dear Diary,

This week has been exceptionally difficult.

Jay’s Dad took a turn for the worst. We thought death would take him, consumed by cancer.

Jay flew up to be by his bedside on Monday morning. After missing the day’s only flight to Hervey Bay he managed to catch one to Maroochydore, hire a car and drive the rest of the way. He arrived late afternoon tired, with man-flu and in time to start planning his father’s funeral with his sister; things were looking very grim and the doctors were not optimistic.

After five days of hour by hour highs (gaining consciousness, sitting up, talking) and lows (crashing, failing vital organs, unconsciousness) his kidneys are gaining functionality and his infections are clearing up and best of all he’s out of bed. Today he got discharged from hospital (huzzah!). The doctor’s have said he’ll be with us for another 3-6 months.That’s 262,974 more minutes. Not enough time to see us fall pregnant or have a baby or buy a house or congratulate Jay when he graduates from uni or see Jay turn 40, watch his 6 grandkids grow up or celebrate his own 74th birthday.

Everyone knows death is inevitable. A natural part of the cycle of life. But that knowledge never makes it any easier. Someone you love is there. And then they’re not. 

I think I have stayed strong for Jay on the end of the phone; listening, soothing, missing, giving him tidbits of my & Harley’s day to breakup the hurt. I am sad also. My heart feels weighed down and heavy with worry and sorrowful expectation of what is to come. The man I love most in the world is going to lose the man he loves most in the world. 

How can that be anything but the shittiest thing life spews at you?

IMG_20130724_220029

I posted that earlier in the week on my Instagram

Yesterday, my brother, my only sibling, checked into rehab. Mum & Col drove him there after looking after him for the past week; basically drinking himself to death and almost achieving it after a fall from 11 stories resulting in broken ribs, internal bleeding, fractured spine & skull. Mum said he barely weighed 60kgs when she picked him up from the airport, my 6.2ft baby brother.

After 10 years of substance abuse & chronic alcoholism he will finally be getting the help he needs. I can’t even fully articulate the levity of my heartbreak and grief for him. I am optimistic and hopeful, yet not totally convinced that this will be the cure. I have no doubt that rehab works but I don’t know if he really truly wants to get sober or if he thinks that this is the only solution to current situation. No job, no home, no relationship with terrible injuries. Rehab puts him in a place where he doesn’t have to deal with any real world fallout, and I don’t think he realises how hard it’s going to be in his own head without drugs & alcohol. More than anything, I want this next 12 months of rehab to be his sobering rapture. If I believed in a Deity I’d be praying profusely. Now we just have to wait. I get to speak to him in 6 weeks, but until then there’s no contact.

“About life:
“It is not complicated unless I make it so. It is not difficult unless I allow it to be. A second is no more than a second, a minute no more than a minute, a day no more than a day. They pass. All things and all time will pass. Don’t force or fear, don’t control or lose control. Don’t fight and don’t stop fighting. Embrace and endure. If you embrace, you will endure.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

Almost always the optimist, I am looking up. Strong in the belief that things will be better tomorrow. Because after everything, I can only love them and truly hope for the best.

signature2 - melly xox

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17 thoughts on “about life

  1. Mel, I’m so sorry to hear that you and Jay are going through this, I’ve often felt that the hardest part of dying is those that are left to carry on. My heart and prayers are with you and yours. I’ve followed your blog almost from day one here on WP and truly, this post touched my heart deeply.
    Do take care and try to enjoy all of those 262,947. Minutes you can.
    Sincerely
    Benjamin

  2. Holding you in heart Melly… it sounds like your plate is really full right now… may the load get lighter and you find peace in knowing others support you and care. Hold on to your bright optimistic spirit – it will lift you up ~ much love, RL

  3. Oh Mel, what an incredibly difficult time for you and your family. Having been through something similar this year, I can understand how hard it is to see those you love in so much pain. Take care of yourself, as well as them. My heart goes out to you xox

  4. I believe in a Deity, so I’ll do the praying. Not only for them, but for YOU. For love, peace and the strength to embrace and endure …

  5. This is such a beautifully written post.

    You certainly have had a hard week. But you’re such a toughie! You always pull through these kind of events well. I hope this coming week is a good one and that nothing untoward happens. You deserve fun, joy and relaxation.

  6. Oh wow! What a time you’re having, but it sounds like you’re being strong for those around you… and I hope you are getting the support you need as well.

    I hadn’t known Jay’s father lived here in Hervey Bay – small world. Hope he’s able to cherish and enjoy his remaining time.

  7. My god my heart goes out to you i do the social media for fiji water & noticed your post of the bottles with strawberries so please send me your addres so i can send you some water with love 🙂

    P.S i just read this wonderful article about a pioneering scheme to cure cancer and the story of a sufferer called Walt so there is hopefor the future and you are not alone in your suffering take care

    “Has Carl June Found a Key to Fighting Cancer? | Philadelphia magazine”

    If this link doesnt work just google the title of the article 🙂

    1. Wow thanks David, I really appreciate the kind words and I did find the link to the article which I’m reading now.

      I’m currently doing a project at the Cancer Institute so I see stats on the numbers of cancer mortality rates and it’s alarming to say the least.

      Loving the social marketing of Fiji Water of Instagram that Evolve Social is doing. I’ll email you my postage address to your gmail account.

      take care,
      Mel

  8. I am sorry to hear of this terrible and painful time you are all going through right now… it sounds like you are trying your hardest to remain strong and positive through this trying time.

    Remember it is ok to feel helpless, lost and upset yourself – and that you don’t have to put on a brave face 24/7. You need time to process as well, so try and smile while you can, but cry if you need to as well xx

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