a question a day in may | seven

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day 7 question

what was the saddest moment in your life?

Everyone sheds tears from heartache; whether it’s self inflicted or you’ve been effected by someone else.

Although I’ve lost people that I’ve loved through death (grandparents, friends, uncles, aunts & pets) or friendship has faded, I’m fortunate that for the most part I haven’t lost the people closest to me (hubby, Mum, brother, best friends) with the exception of my Dad.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the saddest moments in my life so far. It’s tough to pick a moment where everything seems so terrible that it will never get better, where the world has collapsed and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m a pretty happy person. Sure I have my moments but I consciously work on keeping my soul balanced (due to a lot of mental instability in my family); to keep my head above water and embrace and work through my choices and events in life.

Thinking of all this, I can’t pinpoint one truly distinguishing ‘saddest moment’. But in terms of an event that has defined me, the kind of sadness that changes your whole being, well that would have to be the events surrounding my parent’s marriage breakdown and my father leaving. This happened in my early 20s and it stuffed me up for a while; in my friendships, my relationship with Jay, my health and weight, my daily decisions. Now that I’ve come out the other side, I have hindsight; I understand that to deal with being the “strong one” for my mother and brother and the mediator between my parents, I became the complete opposite of my natural self. I made terrible decisions that were harmful to me and effected my relationships. One of my close girlfriends told me once that I became “toxic” to be around.
But at the time I didn’t see it; I was the eye of the storm.

So I guess I’m answering the question in a round-about way…I’ve been melodramatic and sad and thrown tantrums but I can’t say I’ve had one standout moment of utter despair and sadness, but I’ve had a period in my life where a course of events effected me so deeply that I changed. I changed into a terrible person and then into a better person.

At least, I’d like to think I have!

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