you had me at hello

“You had me at hello.” 

Now that’s a great sentence. (even if the movie, Jerry Maguire, does star Tom Cruise who wouldn’t have me at hello, goodbye, or any such announcement because I can’t stand him!) I recently read about The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest which awards writers with title of worst opening line ever in an imaginary novel.

The contest is names after Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton who was an English playwright and novelist who penned such well known phrases as “the great unwashed”, “the pen is mightier than the sword” and the famous opening line “it was a dark and stormy night”.

Here are some of the gems from the contest;

♦”Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.”

such violence! no guessing as to what the rest of the book would be like.

♦”The Los Angeles morning was heavy with smog, the word being a portmanteau of smoke and fog, though in LA the pollutants are typically vehicular emissions as opposed to actual smoke and fog, unlike 19th-century London where the smoke from countless small coal fires often combined with fog off the Thames to produce true smog, though back then they were not clever enough to call it that.”

true verbosity in all it’s grandeur!

♦”Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.”


♦”They called her The Cat, because she made love the way she fought, rolling rapidly across the floor in a big, blurry ball of shrieking hair, fury, and dander, which usually solicited a “Shut up!” and flung shoe from one of the neighbors, and left her exhilarated lover with serious patchy bald spots and the occasional nicked ear. ”

how many partners does it take to get a well known nickname!?!

♦”Morgan ‘Bamboo’ Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the PrincessQwillia—lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called ‘bedroom eyes’—and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called ‘Hi-Dee-Hoes’ but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta.”

because everyone wants our first encounter to be with aliens from “Chlamydia”!



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